upgrade, mirror, revelation

One reason I wanted a nicer wheelchair,
one of many, the smallest reason really,

is that in a basic chair with my leg up, 

it looks temporary

and that leads to misunderstandings.

"Poor thing, you broke your leg."

No. I obliterated my leg three years ago.

There's a difference.

This isn't temporary.

In front of me: a full-length mirror.

My elbows on the armrests.

I look at myself and thought

"I am a kid in 

a (real) wheelchair

and will be, off and on,

for the rest of my life."

And that's all it took,

an upgrade and a big mirror for

a revelation.

About time, I suppose.

notice

notice every muscle in your body all at once
empty your mind, make it a
crucible that melts the pain into
something you can spit out,
react only to the gravity pulling at your feet
destination irrelevant
purpose in each stride
size up the world and
n o t i c e

this is what healing looks like

it's easy to get hurt- it takes seconds
healing takes time- it ain't pretty
for me,
the hard work has just begun

healing started with

blood and bandages,
tears and getting sick of pancakes;
I forgot not to look in the mirror,
it only made me feel worse
at least, on the bad days

that is what healing looks like
it can be quiet, deep aches
that tear you apart from the inside
the kind that people can't see
that is not forever

so, in the mist
of this experience you
would probably throw away
if you could

thank your body anyway
for the effort it's put in
for you and your happiness
the words will feel weird on your tongue
but, thank your body
for surviving
thank your body
for giving you strength

you can't rush loving yourself
have patience, my dear
it all comes with time

to heal a wound,
you have to stop touching it
scars are tougher than skin
and, oh darling,
the sun will rise again

Daylight Lost

What do you
think about,
in those empty moments,
with no one but yourself?
do you count the ceiling tiles?
do you hum a song?
do you plan world domination?

Pain walks into my mind
taking its sweet time, taunting me with
possibility.
just how the sun sets over hours
and then, all of a sudden
Darkness.

Days are made up
of things,
a good ol’ pie.
Mental to-do lists.
Impatience.
Random intrusive memory.
Countdown to something.
The future.
The past.

Thoughts stack in my mind
fitting together like- well, not at all.

whether the sun is high, or the clouds are low
there is one thing that can stomp out
anything.
It comes and it takes
what it wants.

Every step I take
is planned to
best conserve energy,
to be the least painful.

I have less daylight
because of the time
taken by pain.

Hours wasted,
good times
forgotten,
replaced.

What do you
think about?
In those empty moments,
with no one but yourself?

please don't ask me

please don't ask me-
one question
that rips my chest apart,
crumbling the pieces
into a sinkhole,
crushing my heart

perhaps you notice my gait
my slow wander through the halls
my limp, my drag, my shuffle

my scars trace a song
and dance a sad story
along my legs

when I'm sitting,
you might not register
the pain I hide
under the table
behind my happy,
not too happy,
character

if you knew me before,
you'd notice a change.
maybe, if you knew me

people don't see
me the same way
after the words
leave my lips.

old teardrops
and mistakes

please don't ask me
how i've been since --
i said don't say it

it's been a year
and hospital walls still
close in on my dreams,
beeping IVs wake me
but, they aren't there anymore

i wake up,
but can't remember
if I can move.
eventually i do
i always do

it's been a year
and i'd talk about it
but i know
you'll do this thing with
your eyes,
tilt your head, squint a bit
and see me differently

so i have my nightmares
and i sit quietly

but it's been a year
and my answer
has changed

i'd say
i'm doing pretty great

have you ever tried to describe pain?

Have you ever tried to describe pain?

universal truths hold
dark secrets,
regrets,
and dried tears

Have you ever tried to describe pain?

there are no words and yet
so many
hear my scream down the hall-
sorry to wake you

have you ever been
woken up by something that
drove your mind blank with a
dagger straight through the middle?
that raised your chest to the skies
because of shoulders that wouldn't stay down?

maybe it was night, so late
people have left by then-
no one left to hold your hand because
people need sleep, you know

but dreams are crowded
with worst case scenarios
and monsters without faces
bring uncertainty that makes your
stomach drop or worse
the face of the monster is too recognizable
because it's you

irrational at this point
i'd do anything
i'm begging to a god I don't believe in
because there are no words and yet so many
left for me to say

what is pain?
you feel like you're dying
and when it's really bad,
you might just be close
it is living death

Realize

You never know what you have
until you lose it.
And I am not sure I ever understood that
before.

Depression can ride on your heels
until you believe,
believe with all that you have,
that you have nothing.

But, are you forgetting your speech?
Try not having it.

You have your focus.
The ability to hone in on
your work.

Walking feels
silly to note,
but be grateful
for every step you
can take without thinking.
            I did not lose my ability
            forever, but every day
            is still a battle against the possibility.
Realize you walk with ease,
no panicked moments if you forget something in the next room.
Realize you walk with every part of your foot.

It's funny. These words don't come
from a place of deep thought;
they are just ankles.
But, I didn't know we had a midfoot.
I didn't know they would become so vital.
So painful.

Lose your freedom,
you'll hate yourself
for not seeing it sooner.

Notice the things you have.
Not for guilt.
To note.
To respect. Feel grateful.

I will be here,
dreaming of standing on
that mountain ridge,
one day.