Realize

You never know what you have
until you lose it.
And I am not sure I ever understood that
before.

Depression can ride on your heels
until you believe,
believe with all that you have,
that you have nothing.

But, are you forgetting your speech?
Try not having it.

You have your focus.
The ability to hone in on
your work.

Walking feels
silly to note,
but be grateful
for every step you
can take without thinking.
            I did not lose my ability
            forever, but every day
            is still a battle against the possibility.
Realize you walk with ease,
no panicked moments if you forget something in the next room.
Realize you walk with every part of your foot.

It's funny. These words don't come
from a place of deep thought;
they are just ankles.
But, I didn't know we had a midfoot.
I didn't know they would become so vital.
So painful.

Lose your freedom,
you'll hate yourself
for not seeing it sooner.

Notice the things you have.
Not for guilt.
To note.
To respect. Feel grateful.

I will be here,
dreaming of standing on
that mountain ridge,
one day.

Friendships Suck

It can suck.
Friendships, I mean.
Not in the way you think.

All consuming.
That is what it is
because
you end up loving
this human-
this beautiful, flawed,
exceptional, part of the universe-
and it is all that you are.

You want to hear them laugh
always.
You crave their smile and
their face, no matter its state.

It sucks because
no matter what you do,
they can still get hurt.
And when they cry,
you sob,
when they whimper,
you scream.

No love can quite
match friendships.

And
unbeknownst to popular opinion,
they are not built
on time, but experiences.
She saw you at your worst
and came back.
She gathered up old photos,
to remind you that good times exist.

And it reminds me, that with her,
they always will.

So, yeah, friendships
suck.
They give you an addiction,
problems you can’t fix,
and so much love you might just
have trouble holding on to all
your other pieces together.

And it is all worth it.
The fear, pain, vulnerability…
You’d loop it infinitely

if you could.